That's how I feel today.
After returning home from China with Kaelyn, I set out to find help and resources for her development. Our first stop was Central Valley Regional Center (CVRC). They set up an evaluation with a pediatric neuropshycologist to see if she would qualify for their program. That appointment was today.
Not much that the Dr. said today surprised me, but I was forced to acknowledge that Kaelyn is years behind in development. You see, I am used to her behavior at home. She's just Kaelyn at home; sweet, even-tempered, loving, and cheerful. When in the company of others and asked to do things that a three year old would be able to do with ease, my eyes are opened again to how far behind she is.
She has global delays: cognitive, verbal, and motor. Most likely she was born with many of these delays and then the lack of proper nutrition and stimulation in the early years contributed to her deficits. The Dr. recommended speech therapy, occupational therapy, and physical therapy. We are praying that CVRC will provide many of these services.
What did surprise me is that the Dr. felt that she was born with these delays. Her environment was not solely responsible. This makes so much more sense to me. I could not accept the fact that she was so severely neglected that she was not able to chew food, etc.. What does make sense is that she had delays, so the already understaffed orphanage did what was easiest with her; give her a bottle and soft foods because it took too much time to teach her to chew, leave her in the corner because she was content and not causing any problems. This I can understand.
I'm not overwhelmed with her delays.
I'm ok with the idea of her living with us forever.
I'm not frightened by the fact that she may never be "normal".
I'm overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising these six children that God has blessed us with. The task is daunting. I have one child whom I suspect is dyslexic, three children with severe visual impairments, and one with delays that will require hours and hours of therapy. At the low points of my day I wonder how I will ever get it all done.
How will I challenge my oldest as he begins his high school years?
How will I teach my dyslexic child to spell, write, and master higher math?
Will Lily need to learn Braille? How will I ever teach something I have no understanding of?
How will I have the time to give all that is needed to Kaelyn while teaching the others?
Where do I even begin?
These questions fly through my brain without answers.I know that God will carry me through this. I know that He put this sweet girl in our lives for a reason. But, right now it's just a lot to take in. I'm overwhelmed.