Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed.

That's how I feel today.

After returning home from China with Kaelyn, I set out to find help and resources for her development. Our first stop was Central Valley Regional Center (CVRC). They set up an evaluation with a pediatric neuropshycologist to see if she would qualify for their program. That appointment was today.

Not much that the Dr. said today surprised me, but I was forced to acknowledge that Kaelyn is years behind in development. You see, I am used to her behavior at home. She's just Kaelyn at home; sweet, even-tempered, loving, and cheerful. When in the company of others and asked to do things that a three year old would be able to do with ease, my eyes are opened again to how far behind she is.

She has global delays: cognitive, verbal, and motor. Most likely she was born with many of these delays and then the lack of proper nutrition and stimulation in the early years contributed to her deficits. The Dr. recommended speech therapy, occupational therapy, and physical therapy. We are praying that CVRC will provide many of these services.

What did surprise me is that the Dr. felt that she was born with these delays. Her environment was not solely responsible. This makes so much more sense to me. I could not accept the fact that she was so severely neglected that she was not able to chew food, etc.. What does make sense is that she had delays, so the already understaffed orphanage did what was easiest with her; give her a bottle and soft foods because it took too much time to teach her to chew, leave her in the corner because she was content and not causing any problems. This I can understand.

I'm not overwhelmed with her delays.

I'm ok with the idea of her living with us forever.

I'm not frightened by the fact that she may never be "normal".

I'm overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising these six children that God has blessed us with. The task is daunting. I have one child whom I suspect is dyslexic, three children with severe visual impairments, and one with delays that will require hours and hours of therapy. At the low points of my day I wonder how I will ever get it all done.

How will I challenge my oldest as he begins his high school years?

How will I teach my dyslexic child to spell, write, and master higher math?

Will Lily need to learn Braille? How will I ever teach something I have no understanding of?

How will I have the time to give all that is needed to Kaelyn while teaching the others?

Where do I even begin?

These questions fly through my brain without answers.I know that God will carry me through this. I know that He put this sweet girl in our lives for a reason. But, right now it's just a lot to take in. I'm overwhelmed.

Just For Fun

Lily has taken up the family quirk of quoting movie lines. Her enunciation needs a little work, but I love capturing this part of her personality!

Three Years With Lily Girl!

Today marks three years since our sweet Lily entered our family.

We are so blessed to have her part of our crew.

She is fun,

smart,

strong-willed,

and ready to take on the world.

Having a Large Family in a Small House

I believe we are now considered a large family with eight in our house. However, the term large is subjective. So many families we interact with have five or more children that it seems six is not all that large or unusual. I do feel like we have quite a few when we go out all together. It's challenging to find a table at our favorite burger joint these days. We actually have to pull three tables together. I'm often told that I have my hands full when I venture out with the four littles on my own. And you know what? They are right. I do have my hands full! I love almost every minute of it, too.

Our house is just your standard middle class house on your typical lot. I think we have about 1850 square feet. By some standards we live in a mansion. Others wonder how we manage to have six kids in the space that we have.

So, this post is about how we use the space that we have.

We have three bedrooms.

The girls all share the front bedroom. I choose to get two twin beds with one having a trundle instead of bunk beds. I believe that bunk beds would make the room feel smaller. It is a bit of a pain to pull the trundle in and out twice a day, but it only takes a few seconds. It's a little tight once everyone is in bed. No one should be getting up and moving around, so it works.

Toys stay in the closet. We actually have a lock on the closet so the littles can't just help themselves. It makes life a whole lot easier to have only one toy out at a time. Sometimes I forget to lock the closet and regret that later.

The girls have clothes hanging in the closet and in the dresser.

The three boys share the middle room. We have bunk beds for the big boys and slide a mattress in and out for Nathaniel. I felt bad for awhile that Nathaniel's bed was just a mattress on the floor, but you do what you have to do.

Alex has a separate wardrobe in the room. Nathaniel and Micah have space in the closet. Most of the toys are on the shelves in the room. The boys room is pretty much off limits to the littles. We learned early on that Micah and Alex needed to be able to have somewhere to go to play with lego or just have some space from little kids. So far this is working well. All of Nathaniel's toys are in the girls' closet. Eventually he will be allowed to have free access to his room. However, he has yet to show us self-control.

Our bedroom is our sanctuary. It's pretty much off limits to all children. Toys are not allowed in it and there is really no reason for them to ever be in there. I think it is important for parents to have some space to themselves!

The bathroom situation is fairly tight, and I suspect we will have trouble later in years. Our bathroom is available to the kids only if theirs is in use. I'm sure it will be tricky when the girls are all older and wanting to get ready at the same time! For now, we are managing.

We have turned our living room into the school room. I love having a place to do the majority of our school. I love my bookcases and the school table.

 (Yes, this room needs some decorating help! I love the map, but have nothing else on the walls. Advice welcome!)

This leaves our family room as the only place to really hang out. It starts to feel a bit tight in this space after awhile. The littles love to play in this room. The current toy is always pulled out and played with here. They rarely play in their room. I'm ok with this as long as they clean up, which they do a fairly good job of.

Our last bit of space is the kitchen/eating area. The kitchen isn't very big, but I manage just fine. However, it would be really nice if we had more space for a bigger table. We are pretty tight at meal times. Two chairs are brought in every night for dinner. We have thought about getting a rectangular table with benches. That would probably help, but the table would take up a ton of space in the small area. A new table will be in our future.

We really aren't sure what we will do long term. We could turn the garage into another living space, but that takes a bit of cash: not something we want to invest in right now. We could also sink everything we have into a new and bigger home. Obviously, that wouldn't be a wise financial decision. So, we make do. One thing I have learned is to reduce the amount of stuff we have. There are actually empty cabinets in different rooms! The more kids we have the less we can accumulate.

I almost forgot about our car! We are definitely at maximum capacity there. I truly love my car. This blog post tells the story about our Suburban. It would be nice to have a twelve passenger, but this one is paid for!

Mae is in the middle of the back seat. All you can see is her head. :)

 The lesson we are learning is to be content with what we have.

Kaelyn Update

Well, we have been home six and a half weeks. That doesn't seem like very long. I feel as if we have had Kaelyn for months. I thought it was about time to give a little update on our sweet girl.

Celebrating Kaelyn's sixth birthday.

When we first arrived home, I was very concerned about Kaelyn's development. We noticed in China that she did not know how to play and would rub her fingers on various textures. I figured this would change once home because we have a plethora of toys to choose from. It did not, and has not changed. Initially, we would sit on the floor and try and show her how to play. The moment we left her side she would make a bee line for the couch, sit down, and rock back and forth. The word "autistic" jumped to the forefront of my mind. Over the last few weeks she has slowly changed. I would still say that she does not know how to play. But, she no longer sits on the couch and rocks. She loves her baby doll and the highchair. Kaelyn doesn't actually play with it, but does show an interest. The finger feeling is still very dominate.

She loves her mama and her baby doll

Her language is slowly coming along. I would venture to guess that she has around twenty English words. It is important to remember that just a year and a half ago she made no sounds. So, it seems logical for her to be at the development level of a one and a half year old with language. Factor in the severe neglect and it makes sense that her language is not exploding. We patiently teach her and look forward to the day when she is able to express herself with more words. I am confident we will get there.

Spending time outside

It seems that Kaelyn's vision is a little better than Nathaniel, who is significantly better than Lily. The Dr. wants to try glasses to see if that will help her a little. I do plan on teaching her to use a cane. Her inability to see changes in the environment makes her an unsteady walker at times. She will stop dead in her tracks when she suspects that there might be a step. A cane would giver her the confidence to plow forward. 

It is important for me to remember her accomplishments so I am going to list them out here and praise God for the strides we have made.

Kaelyn can:

- Communicate some basic needs
- Sort five different colors
- Knows red and yellow
- Counts to 10 with some help
- Can do simple puzzles
- Progressing with the stacking cups
- Can walk on the grass, step up on the low deck, and step down. (This was a huge issue at first)
- Throw and catch a ball
- Name everyone in the family
- Pets the dog

At first she wanted nothing to do with the slide. Look at that joy!

Kaelyn is such a sweet and easy child to have; a wonderful addition to our family. Even though we have many concerns we have never regretted bringing her home. I love her smile, laughter, and sweet spirit. We are very blessed to have her in our lives.

Not too sure about the trampoline

She doesn't really get the point of sidewalk chalk, but we keep trying.

Watching Fresno's Chinese New Year Parade

This little girl loves music. A must for our family!

Deleting Facebook

I made the decision today to completely delete myself from Facebook. It's been something that I have been thinking about for quite some time. It's been a hard decision for me to make. I love staying connected with others through Facebook. It's quick and easy. The problem is is that it is quick and easy. It's so easy to sit down, open up my iPad, and zone out a few minutes. If I only did this every other day or so, it would be no big deal. However, I confess that I do this all day long.

All

Day

Long!

This is just not a healthy way to spend my time. I need to take those few moments and work on a puzzle with my daughter. Or maybe read a book to my son. My oldest begs me to play games with him and I put him off all too often. He won't be around much longer and I am wasting my time with him.

Wasting!

I do realize that Facebook is not my problem. My problem is the internet in general. I love to surf the internet. So, Facebook is really just the starting point. Over the next few months I plan to identify the other places I waste my time and remove, or block, myself from those places. It's definitely a process, but I want to conquer this wasteful use of my time!

Public School Experience Update

This year has been quite the different schooling year for me. My big boys are very independent and Nathaniel is going to public kindergarten. I spend a lot less time teaching than I have in the past. I thought I might share about our experience in the public school.

Our purpose for sending Nathaniel was for vision services. We wanted a good foundation of information on what he will need for school before we brought him home to homeschool. It was a difficult decision to make. I would sway back and forth on whether it was best or not. We finally decided to give it a try knowing that we could pull him out at any moment.

I was very concerned about Nathaniel's lack of self-control in a classroom setting. I just couldn't imagine him sitting still and paying attention to a teacher. Because of his special needs, Nathaniel qualified for a full time aid. What a blessing she has been! Mrs. J stays with Nathaniel and helps him navigate assignments and keeps him on track. She also makes sure that he visually understands everything. I credit most of his success to Mrs.J. She has such compassion for kids with special needs. She truly cares about Nathaniel and wants him to succeed. I can't say enough good things about her. The goal is for her to eventually fade away, but I selfishly want her to stay full time the entire year!

Nathaniel with his aid, Mrs. J

 Another person that has been wonderful is his teacher, Miss C. I love how she is a no nonsense teacher expecting them to tow the line. She has great structure, yet the kids have a good time. I'm amazed at how she is able to teach so many kids and still meet all their needs. I would be exhausted at the end of every day if I did what she did. I appreciate that she tolerates me! I tend to have a different way of thinking than most parents in the public school. She doesn't mind the fact that I use our own curriculum for homework rather than the schools.

Nathaniel and Mrs. C

 Nathaniel also has a vision teacher and an orientation and mobility specialist. His vision teacher makes sure that he is able to see everything that he needs. She gives suggestions to the teacher and aid. Recently, a CCTV was brought in to the classroom and she is now teaching him how to use it. She also is a great resource for me. We have been working together for a few years now and she understands my homeschooling quirks. The O&M specialist comes in and helps Nathaniel to learn how to use a monocular. This device will be helpful for seeing things at a distance.

Overall, the school has far exceeded my expectations. Nathaniel has as well. When we first started he could not even cross a line. Now he can write his entire name! He counts well, recognizes numbers, knows all his kindergarten sight words, and is even reading! I am so proud of him! We will definitely be keeping him in the rest of the year.

Nathaniel receiving his award for his sight words.

I Never Imagined

I never imagined I would adopt a child with special needs.

I never imagined I would have a child unable to use one of their limbs.

 

I never imagined I would adopt a boy.

 

I never imagined I would have a child with significant developmental delays who may live with me forever.

I never imagined I would have SIX children!

I never imagined.....


but


God did!

God knew that my heart would change and learn to see the child instead of the special need.

God knew that I would learn to not worry about how others perceived my daughter's physical disability.

God knew that I would learn to love a boy who wasn't easy to love.

God knew that we were the answer to many prayers from around the world for this sweet girl. He knew that I still needed to learn how to accept a child who was different.

God knew that if my house wasn't full of children, I would live a selfish life focused on myself.

God knew that through these children I would be the one that would be changed, shaped, and blessed. I am forever grateful.

To God be the glory.

Kaelyn's Story

Now that we are home I thought I would share Kaelyn's story. A story that shows how God has taken care of this sweet girl; how He loves the fatherless. I will start from the beginning and work my way through to now. It is somewhat like putting together a puzzle with many missing pieces. Here and there I have found a few pieces to make the picture more complete, but it will never be finished. Also wrapped up in her story is my story of acceptance. I will expand on that later. I have struggled with how much to share over the last month. Know that I share her story so that YOU will learn what I have learned; that you will see how mighty our God is.

Kaeyln was born February 17, 2007. From the finding add in the paper it says that she was abandoned at birth at the hospital. On March 1st, she was given to the local orphanage. I'm choosing to accept this information as fact. The next four and a half years are a big gaping hole. We know that at some point she was at Hope Haven, a charity wing in the orphanage. When we initially received her file I did some research and heard wonderful things about Hope Haven. Her file looked great and it seemed she was meeting all of the appropriate milestones.

A remarkable thing happened while we were waiting. I was contacted multiple times about people who had met Kaelyn at Hope Haven. A few sent me pictures and a few made initial contact and then didn't follow through. I was amazed that people were finding me and giving me glimpses into my daughter's life.

And then the most amazing thing happened. Someone contacted me and said that Kaelyn was a little girl named Angel in an Australian run foster home. They gave me a link to the Facebook page of the charity, ChinaHeart International, that runs the foster home. I looked it up and found multiple pictures of a little girl with albinism. I didn't really think it was her. It was hard to tell based on the few pictures I had and also the foster home was in a different city than the orphanage. Plus, I had other people telling me Kaelyn was at Hope Haven there in the orphanage.

I sent a private message to ChinaHeart International to see if the girl in their pictures was my daughter. I gave them her name, birthday, and a link to my blog that had the pictures from her referral. They responded back with an enthusiastic yes! I admit that I was not so enthusiastic.

The little information from the Facebook page showed a little girl with some issues other than albinism. It was even briefly mentioned that they thought she might have cerebral palsy. This didn't make sense. Jon and I were adopting a little girl with albinism that was meeting all of her appropriate milestones. We were adopting a six year old that would blend right in to the mix of littles we already had. We were not adopting a child with unidentified issues.

The woman, Bev, who we made contact with started emailing me with information about Kaelyn. We learned that she had some developmental delays and didn't talk a whole lot. Bev was very honest with us as we continued to develop a relationship through email. She told us of how she had entered the orphanage one day and saw Kaelyn in the lap of a nanny being spoon fed her food. Bev explained that six months later she went back to the orphanage and was recognized by Kaelyn. Bev asked the orphanage if she could take Kaelyn to her foster home. What a turning point in Kaelyn's life!

Kaelyn entered into the foster home, Dove's Wings, at the age of four and a half. However, she was more like an infant in her development. She couldn't chew her food, wasn't toilet trained, and didn't even babble. Bev sought out information from different sources to help Kaelyn as much as she could. The nannies that took care of Kaelyn constantly worked with her and prayed for her continually. In time Kaelyn learned to feed herself and she became independent in the bathroom. Kaelyn started to make sounds and began to repeat words. Eventually she began to use some words on her own. Bev also set up boundaries for Kaelyn in order to help her form attachments. No one was allowed to hold or pick her up except for a few designated nannies.

My heart sank as I tried to absorb this information. I never wondered if we should stop the process with Kaelyn, but I did wonder what the future would look like. Would she ever be independent? How on earth were we going to help this little girl? I needed to just put my trust in God and know that He would work through the details.

Over the next two weeks before we traveled, Jon and I were blessed with the opportunity to Skype with Kaelyn. It was wonderful to start making that contact. We were praying that she would come to recognize us making the transition into our family a little easier. The one thing that I held on to while trying to absorb all the information that I was given was that Bev told us we would be blessed by Kaelyn. We would be blessed!

The day we met Kaelyn in China went incredibly smooth. She came to us easily and didn't seem to mind that her life was getting turned upside down. I think she still had yet to make firm attachments. It's a little awkward adopting an older child. Someone once explained that it is like going on a blind date. You can't really pick up a six year old and strap them into your baby carrier.

When we got back to the hotel it became apparent that Kaelyn is severely delayed. Though Kaelyn has some language it is mostly repetitive. If you ask her something she just responds back with the last few words you asked. I was concerned that she didn't have any independent thoughts. Kaelyn also has some serious sensory issues. In the hotel room she would spend most of her time rubbing the very tips of her fingers on the walls, chairs, and other textures. When I tried to clip her nails a few days later I noticed that she had calluses on her fingers right near the nail. We would try and redirect the behavior, but had nothing to direct her to. The few toys we brought, she didn't know what to do with. It seemed she didn't even know how to play.

Considering that she couldn't chew food just a year and a half ago, she did remarkably well at meal times. But, when a cup of water was put in front of her she didn't know how to drink from it. We quickly learned to just keep a straw with us. Some things you just have to learn to let go of until you get home. I'm hoping that with some help, we will get her to use a cup like most any other kid.

Even though I had been preparing for Kaelyn's delays before we left for China, it was still hard for me those first few days. I wanted my baby girl to be whole and well; not broken. However, I knew that over time my love for her would overwhelm my concerns in her development. I was right. In just a matter of days my love for her was fierce! Jon was a rock about his feelings for Kaelyn from day one, as he also has a deep love for our sweetie.

Towards the end of our trip, I was contacted by another person, Loren, who had worked with Kaelyn from almost day one at Doves Wings and continued for about a year. She gave me more insight into Kaelyn. Loren expanded on Kaelyn's compulsion to rub her fingers on the different textures. Loren's guess was that Kaelyn was left in her crib or a chair for most of her time in the orphanage. Rubbing her fingers on the edge of the crib was the only stimulation she was getting. She also mentioned that Kaelyn wasn't even walking like a normal child. Her gait was stiff and awkward.

Was she left to herself? I don't know. This is one of the missing pieces to the puzzle of Kaelyn's life. It's hard to understand the neglect of a child's basic needs.

Why would she not be able to chew her food?

Why did no one teach her to use the toilet?

Why can she not drink from a cup?

Why was she not making any sounds at the age of four?

Why, Lord, why?

My heart breaks for my sweet angel. I am trying very hard to let go of my questions. They will never be answered. I will never know why she didn't learn to chew, drink from a cup, or talk.

What I do know is this. God plucked her from her situation and placed her in a Christ centered, loving foster home. She quickly learned to chew, feed herself, and use the toilet. Kaelyn began to make sounds and repeat words. She was prayed for and prayed with everyday. She was loved deeply. She was then placed in a forever family who will do everything in their power to help her reach her fullest potential. She will be loved, prayed for, and taught about Christ. She was redeemed from a place that wasn't helping her thrive. She was adopted into our family and we pray she will also some day be adopted into God's. I am so thankful that God has put Kaelyn into our lives. It wasn't what we expected. It was so much more. God has taught me that I can love deeply even when faced with a child that has delays.

We were given a paper that had recommendations for the foster home in how to care for Kaelyn when they first got her. It gives a great description on the effect of trauma and neglect in a child. Here is the quote-

"Dr. Bruce Perry, the trauma and neglect guru, describes kids who have been neglected in early life as 'speaking love with an accent.' He likens it to when you learn a foreign language later in life- you can speak the language fluently maybe, but you will not sound like a local. You'll always have an accent, unlike people who learn languages as young children."

So, what's next? I don't know. I am going to be seeking some professional help starting with our pediatrician. I'm praying that we will be able to free her thoughts into words. I'm hoping to find help to teach her how to drink from a cup. I'm praying that she will learn to play with toys and not just sit feeling the different textures. I'm praying that some day she will be living a full and independent life. And if she doesn't? If she doesn't, then I am praying that God will give Jon and I the strength to be by her side for life.

"Learn to do good; Seek justice, reprove the ruthless, defend the orphan, plead for the widow." Isaiah 1:17

"Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." James 1:27

Kaelyn's story has made me come face to face with the plight of the orphan. She is my reminder to be on my knees praying for those left behind. Please pray for the orphans who are still in an environment where they are not thriving. Pray for those, like Bev, that are in the trenches trying to make a difference. Also, pray about what YOU can do for the plight of the orphan. Adoption is not the only way to make a difference. You can pray for orphans, sponsor them, or support others who are. Find a way to make a difference!

Kaelyn Angel Qing Grabowski

Kaelyn: means pure

Angel: the name she was called at her foster home

Qing: her name given at birth

We kept the names Angel and Qing to honor her past.

Home!

After 25 hours of traveling, we finally made it home. It was long. It was brutal. It was not fun! Kaelyn did a great job on the long drives and the horrible plane ride. It was wonderful to be in America once again. We rejoiced in seeing the blue skies and the sun! It had been too long.

The kids were wild as soon as we got out of the car. I forgot how loud my family is. Kaelyn was overwhelmed at first, and she needed a little while to get used to all the commotion. It's good to be under the same roof and eating at the same table.

To Our Friends and Family

As we prepare to head for home I have a few requests for those who will be interacting with us on a daily or weekly basis.

Each time we have adopted we have requested that others not pick up or hold our new kids. We kept these boundaries for a few weeks to make sure that our new ones would learn to attach to us. Since we have had Kaelyn, we have noticed that she will go to anyone who offers her their hand. She has no fear of strange men. Twice she has reached for their hands, and I'm positive she would have walked off with them. This is very dangerous behavior for her to have. I know for a fact that her foster home tried to establish these boundaries for the last year and a half. Obviously, we still need to work on this.

We are requesting that if she reaches for you to redirect her to us. We need to go beyond just the no hugs and holding. She needs to have a fear of strangers. She never went through this stage in life, and we feel this is critical in her development. So we ask those who are close to not hold her hand, hug, or pick up our sweet little girl. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that this could take months and months. I know this is hard, especially for family, to understand. Once we are home, I will expand a bit on her first four years of life. I'm sure that once her past is understood then you will all agree that these boundaries will be the best for her future.

I thank you all for the support and prayers that you have given our family through this process. They have been felt.

Consulate Appointment

Today was the day that the whole adoption trip revolves around. A group of us piled on to a bus and drove 30 minutes to the American Consulate in Guangzhou. You would think that this would be the highlight of our trip. Well, it's not. It's kind of like going to the DMV. You take an oath (which I couldn't really hear), stand in line, and talk to the lady behind the window. It is extremely anti-climatic. You aren't allowed cameras, so there are no pictures to share.

After returning from the consulate, we had a light lunch and headed out to explore a bit. We discovered this outdoor market down an ally off the main street. It was wonderful. I felt like I had stepped into another world. The sights, sounds, and smells all bombard you at once. We wove our way through these tiny allies for some time and then headed over to a park.

Dragon Fruit

 On our way to the park, I captured a few shots of the street life. I love the groups of men playing cards.

There is a gorgeous park with a lake just a few minutes walk from the hotel. We never made it last time because it was so hot. Today was a wonderful day to be out and about.

Later that afternoon we gathered together to take a group shot.  We are in two because our group from Beijing split into two different groups. The first picture is all the families that went to Zhengzhou. I really wanted to be a part of their picture because we had spent quite some time with them. I didn't want to forget these wonderful families.

The picture below is our group in Guangzhou. We are all the families that went to different provinces. These families all waited six and a half years for a non-special needs child. It's hard to imagine waiting that long. We waited four years before adopting Lily. I can't imagine waiting longer than that!

 

Another day has been checked off the calendar. It's a great feeling to be getting closer to our long trip home. I think we have a total of 24 hours of travel time, but I don't care. I can't wait to walk through the door of my house and squeeze the rest of my family. I miss my four kiddos at home so much. Not sure how much they miss me, though!